NEVER ENOUGH?

No, don’t you ever pity me!
Don’t think I’m lonely
‘Cause you didn’t choose me.
Despite the promises and hope
Regardless of the fairytale ending
You stuffed my head with.
Love is such a funny word, you know

How you always tended to show me affection intimately
Behind closed doors.
But once we were out
Even hands holding was prohibited.
I asked you once or twice
You said you were shy.
My head even came up with reasons to support yours
You were shy
And I had to be considerate.
Despite my extreme sense of touch
For you I’d keep my hands by my side.

I asked you a thousand times
Where we heading to?
Wasn’t it deep enough to be moved to the next level.
Now I feel mad
When I remember how foolishly I believed you.
“Let’s work on ourselves before committing together”, you said
And yes it sounded logical so I believed you.
You couldn’t trust enough
So I knew I had to give you time.
For you, I started to accept myself
More and more
I couldn’t be perfect
But I was trying
To be the best version of myself.
I was trying to make this work.

Then you went away for a month or three.
I tried to stay in touch
I tried to keep the connection.
But I was no fool
I could see how less you were putting in effort.
Some days I got mad and asked you why
Never did you say anything concrete
Always “I’m sorry, I would try and work on it”.
And I believed you
I loved you enough to hope in you.
When I stopped trying
I realized I was the only one who always did.
I asked you
For heaven’s sake
Was there someone new?
Were your feelings for me dwindling?
You know how I never asked questions
But this time I did.
I did
Because I wanted to let you in on my doubts;
Clear the uncertainties
And rest my over thinking mind.
You told me not to stress myself
You had just been busy
With little time on your hands.
Me against my better judgement
I believed you
So much
Then I stopped texting
You stopped calling.

You know these days
Sometimes I remember what
Senior tried to tell me on my birthday
“Don’t trust him too much”, he said
Then I was lost
And the little rumours began
Your genuineness
Was a mastery of the arts.
How your honesty was masked with full lies
Than half-truths.
How your smooth voice could turn my heart
Even amidst the lies and subtle manipulation.

I’ve not been able to confront you
After finding out on virtual grounds
That you were dating ‘her’
That same ‘her’ you told me
Liked you.
But you chose me.
Remember how I fought you to choose her.
Went MIA some days
So you’d forget all about me.
Now you tell me
She makes you happy
Got you changing some of your habits
I see you in full PDA on virtual media
And it’s funny
I don’t see no shy bone
In the pics and videos

Was I not good enough
To hold hands with?
Was I not enough to be outdoored
I never smashed you with my laurels
Not even once.
Even when you once or twice teased me
Of being book driven.

I hoped you could finish that degree you ended prematurely.
But guess you changed
I’m back to my old self
No more questions
For lying pills I could easily swallow.

But I hope you are happy
Don’t pity me.
Stop looking through the window to see if I’m okay.
You know me
I’d never let you know I’m broken.
So maybe you should learn to stay away.
You made a choice
And it wasn’t me.
It doesn’t mean I’m lonely
I just realized I was lonely with you
More than without you.
So don’t pity me
And don’t come calling.
Be happy and safe
And remember
Mine is not yours anymore.

Hope she changes you in ways
I couldn’t
Hope she gets you opening up
In ways you closed to me.
And I hope she makes you happy for all the times I tried and failed.
I hope to her, your love is not an imposed obligation
But a desire dripping with a self chosen duty.
To love and cherish her
As long as “as long” will be
I wished I could say
I didn’t care
But in my secret bosom
And the darkness of my sleepless nights
With a pillow salinated than the sea
I wished you chose me.
With your actions
Your words failed, Anane