This December, l had projected my plans. Maybe an ice cream outing with a great buddy, an outdated action of sending a handwritten letter with chocolates to a favourite someone to the city of eagles.
I had no plans , and I repeat entirely no plans like for example;
- Almost walking all the way to work because our Transporters wanted a rendition of the Jews walking to the Promised Land if their pleas won’t be heard.
- Breaking up with my best friend
- Having triggers triggered and now having to dance to the tune of distance
- Finally I didn’t have a foreboding of a twisted miss.
Joke was on me. Well, I had been a little naughty through the year but I had been jolly good too.
Santa didn’t have to hand my life to Hades for a game like that!
Like I said, I had really projected a Merry December but here I am scribbling down situations I didn’t project in my December.
Now how did it all go wrong? Low key, I want to suspect Loki. But then I want to wonder if the spirits of Christmas visited me way too early.
So here I am with three hermanos and a problem.
Follow me as I tell a tall tale of each hermano and our current situation.
ALUCARD (pronounced a·loo·kaad )
For my non vampire lovers out there, Alucard is a fictional character from Castlevania. And oh yes, you might fall in love with Castlevania just find time and check it out.
First, I would like to start with this; Good friends are hard to come by especially those who can go out of their way to be there for you no matter how minute it is.
We are not perfect but it’s a healthy friendship. Alucard is a genuine friend and ally. He has a big heart despite being hit in the face by life’s blows. An example of the tall kind dude. One who would introduce me to a great vampire anime because he knows of my intrigue for those crimson lovers and judges me not for it. Midnight tales, music hunter just because he would know I would resonate with that song or more. Unsolicitedly visiting my reves.
Seems like a great friendship, someone might say. Now what went wrong?
Oh mesii, these triggers. These little defenses we have, as the world has shown us more pain and scars. Alucard made something of a joke which my mind could not see as a joke that moment. A joke that triggered a statement from me. A statement that after further analysis, I realised was pretty harsh.
Have you ever been in a situation where a loved one or family was playing with you then words that causes you to be triggered is said? Then you shoot them right in the heart then everything goes gloom. And you try to fix it and boom it escalates.
And we wonder why the scars caused by other people will cause us to scar those we genuinely love and appreciate all because those cells in our brain decides to project a deja vu.
I wouldn’t say I wish I could rewind the hands of time. Yes I wished things could have played out better but I’m not tempted to want to rewind the hands of time.
Why? It’s because rewinding might mean I have to rewind my life, my experiences and everything that makes me who I am now. We think of rewinding time to a time we enjoy, preventing certain mistakes and saving things we wished we hadn’t lost. But truth is, rewinding our lives will change everything completely.
I could only hope to make things better, to face issues much better and to give myself an ample time before I react to stuff. Like Alucard says, hope it’s a good thing.
Dear Alucard, hopefully you’ll chance upon this. Honestly I’m sorry. That’s all I gotta say. No excuses for my mistakes.
Now Hermano No 2
To those of us who want save everyone, who wants to save the world except ourselves, it’s time we reconsider our choices. Honest hard truth:
• You can’t save everyone.
•If you try to please everyone, you will be left full of resentment and frustration, first directed at you and then to others.
Hermano No 2, I shall call Joaquin. (pronounced wa-keen)
Yep, inspired by the Book of Life. Hermano No 2 is truly a good friend. My first experience of a soulmate friendship. You know those friendships where individuals are connected and bonded beyond friendly terms and amorous terms. Anha that one! Joaquin and I plus one that I’d call Manolo. Good friends. Very extremely good friends. But more of a good friend to one than the other. Good, you catch the drift! My teenage mind wished I could have them on the same scale but that machine called mi corazon eh. That one that beats like Simi puts it;
So my imaginative, I-wanna-solve-it-all mind decides to come up with a project. A project that would have continued if I didn’t do an introspection of my life. Knowing how hard it is for me to let things go, I kept procrastinating the cut off till it began to ring in my ears. Then I finally did. Was I happy? Can’t really tell. But was it the right choice? Yes it was.
More often than not, we make promises, we stay with people and situations because we wanna prove our stamina, our loyalty.
I get it. I really do. But there are people and situations we need to leave. Trying to prove our loyalty, we might end up denying ourselves of growth. We want to stay true to our relationships even if it means staying untrue to ourselves. And in situations like that, I would advise you choose to stay true to yourself. If not gradually, being untrue to yourself will begin to ruin that same relationship you held on to.
No Joaquin and I aren’t enemies but I made a choice to liberate myself from a commitment of my broken teenage self.
Now finally to Hermano No 3
I call him the Witcher. Just for the sake of this write up.
And also for the fact that he told me of the release of Season 2 this year. The Witcher is good. Kind, sarcastic dude and a sap. We had our fall outs as long as long distance journeys are concerned. Then he decided to play the law of twisted Surprise. Eeeeeeiiii my heart!
Witcher decided to go off and come back with a message which up till now I can’t fathom. Honestly, I’ve been wandering why on earth the Witcher did that. Why of all days and moments he chose to do that. I’m not sure I’d be able to understand. I was hurt. It felt like a stab in the gut. It felt like the last card hiding to make my December much painful. I so wished he gave me a different excuse; the clichéd version of I’ve been busy or I needed space but no. Mba!! Something that twisted the chords of my chest. But in the end, I realised. Lol what did I realise?
I realised I had forgotten Heroes could turn villains too. I had forgotten to make room in my heart for unsolicited pain from people l least expect it from.
I’m caught up in the why-the-hell-did-he-do-that phase. But deep down I know no answer will be good enough. The Witcher made his choice no matter how ugly.
I’ve had a hell of a twisted roller coaster over the past week with sleepless midnights of bros not wanting to reconcile.
But in the end, I’ve learnt my lessons, still trying to see how things will work out. I’ve aired out my thoughts and feelings at the wind hoping it transports the messages.
If there’s one thing I didn’t think my December would have, it was;
THREE HERMANOS AND A PROBLEM!
Hermano – Spanish for brother or buddy
Mba – No in Igbo
Anha – a sudden realisation of a truth or confirmation in Twi.
Mi corazon – Spanish for my heart
Eeeiii – an exclamation of surprise or shock in Twi