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LOVE AND THE GAPS IN OUR SOUL

If I got locked away
And we lost it all today
Tell me honestly would you still love me the same?
If I showed you my flaws
If I couldn’t be strong
Tell me honestly would you still love me the same

(Lyrics from Locked Away by R. City ft Adam Levine)

Oh yes, I just had to drop in Fiona and Shrek right up there!šŸ˜œšŸ˜œšŸ˜œ. Forget fairy tale stories of perfect looking humans! For the first time, I want to boldly say ogres love much better. Lol, it’s just a joke before you burn green with envy.

Hey, I’m here again. I know it’s been a while and I miss you all too. Yayyyyy so here we are in February and…. oxytocin is high in the air. Ooh la la la (High Reference to Cabello and Mendes’ Senorita)

So what are we gonna talk about today? Today we are going on another love ride. This time we are looking at love regardless of everything else.

Eerm back to this;
So tell me, would you still love me the same…..or it’s a question for the gods?

How about we jump straight right in?

Back in college, during one of my psychology classes, I learnt about the unconditioned positive regard for an individual that highlights the humanistic perspective of behaviour and personality.

In simple words, loving people regardless of their actions, choices, personality and general make up as individuals.

And I felt that was cool. Genuine unconditional love was something that had been so lacking in our world lately.

Just imagine how well Ugly Duckling would have strived under this concept. (But she ends up a Swan which is fine too though I have a problem with that.)

The ‘if’ clause of acceptance and love is something I frown on but needless to say, I’ve found myself guilty of this charge quite a few times.

If there’s one thing my experience with people has taught, it’s that; Unconditioned positive regard is the hardest thing to do as a human.

To love someone wholeheartedly regardless of their flaws and actions is humanly unattainable.

But thank God, Jesus is the standard. But again, thank God for grace.

So where am I coming from? I’m coming from a place of history and present experience. I grew up as the only girl with two brothers.

Lol in our local dialect, we say, Efie bia, Mensa w)mu. This means, there’s a black sheep in every family.

Honestly from what I’ve grown to learn, I think black sheep is a strong word to describe someone who goes wayward or acts against every rule set.

So back to the story, one of my brothers was different growing up. He was quite a difficult kid defiling everything. The one who you hit without force will hit you with extra force. Gyai, it ended in tears a lot of times between me and him so many times.

When I told him, he couldn’t do something, he heard the opposite and did exactly that. We were somewhat of enemies growing up.

And as a child, I didn’t get it. Why should I do the right thing and have my kid brother do wrong all the time and also not be punished the way I wanted?

There were days I knew he’d be beaten so hard cause Mama looked like she had enough of his troubles. He comes home, Mama talks, talks and talks but hardly touch him.
Several times, I was surprised.

And no, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t an evil big sister. It was a love blurred with fear.

I was afraid my brother would grow up a stubborn, disrespectful man. Growing up in an age, where the cane had shaped more than a thousand kids, I thought my brother deserved the cane too.
And maybe, it came from a little place of darkness called resentment.

You might be asking why? So I’m gonna tell you. When I did wrongs, Mama punished me. Needless to say, my wrongs were fewer compared to my kid brother but I got my punishments. Honestly, my wrongs were less compared to his but I never understood why my punishments were more.

So yes, my little brain decided to dislike him a little for that reason.
And if he came looking for a fight with me, and those times I gave in, I was blamed.

I always felt Mama loved him more,
Allowing him to get away with a lot of things.
As a kid, I felt she did because she treated him differently. If all of a sudden, he decided to have rice instead of the meal, we were all having, he had it.
It used to drive me crazy.

Like how?

Maybe Mama loved us same but in different ways.

But again, my little brain could not understand. I remember once Mama told me, “Your kid brother might be troublesome and all. He doesn’t need to be beaten all the time. Would you want if he run away from home?

Run away s3 sen?

No, I didn’t want him to ever run away. Regardless of his misbehaviour, he was my brother and somehow I didn’t want him to try and do that.
But still, my little brain wanted him to be punished for his behaviour.

My mama used to say, “Wait and see, as he grows, he will change.

I don’t know what my Mama was seeing but I couldn’t see it. And I kept grumbling because that’s what she said all the time.
We all reached our early teens and kid brother got worse. It was as if age had multiplied his stubbornness.

Then I find out Mama lost his twin when they were just babies. And to my teenage maturing mind, it was my ahaa moment aka Eureka.

To me, that’s was why mum favoured him. That’s was why she was lenient with him. Maybe it was true. And maybe it wasn’t the whole truth.

Foreshadowing to the present, kid bro is a well mannered young man. Honestly, I don’t and can’t pinpoint the exact time he started changing but he did.

Maybe after being so stubborn and always being mentioned for all the troubles at home, he decided to change.
Maybe, he sat down and realized, it wasn’t worth it.

I could keep going down the road of maybes but all I’m saying is that he changed along the line and became a better person.

I wanted him punished all the time so he could change. I wanted him to be forced to choose right.

But I had the right intention but the wrong approach.

Many a time, that’s what we do in our relationship with family, friends, loved ones and even spouses.

We want to see them change so bad that we want to change by our standards, by our ways disregarding everything else. I’ve come to realise that in this life, there are two groups of people;

1. Those who take heed when told not to touch the fire.

2. Those who will touch the fire after being told not to. And these learn by scars or experiences.

Both groups are equal in their rights.
But the road trip to change differs.

Remember what I said about Mama; She loved us same but in different ways.

Let people choose their paths.

Allow them to discover ’cause I’ve come to realise that forced choices no matter how good in the long run leads to bitterness and unfulfillment more often than not.

If there’s a group of people who could love unconditionally or express unconditioned positive regard, I believe it’s our mothers.

Herrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhh, a mother’s love eh, you won’t handastand. Scratch that, it’s not even meant to be understood. Even the mother of the most criminal of criminals won’t give her child out so easily to the police. Our mothers love us no matter what and that’s a beautiful love story we all have every day.

Luckily our story doesn’t end here. Chapter 2 has been made into a separate blog in order to ease the length. Thank you.

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By Abis Psyche

A young lady with a passion for anything and everything artsy. Painting with words is what I do best. The motive is not to create the perfect picture of emotions, thoughts and feelings. It is to appreciate those imperfect flaws and choices that will always make every story worth telling. My dream is that someday people will learn to tell their stories regardless. Stories heal, and they need to be heard.

3 replies on “LOVE AND THE GAPS IN OUR SOUL”

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